Everyone is Facebook friends with one of these people, be they opinionated, racist, stupid, desperate for validation or as is often the case, just plain insufferable. Read on and you’ll never need to browse Facebook again. You’re welcome.
Generic Facebook Post #1 – Transparent attempt for validation
Hi everyone, I have low self esteem and require constant validation about my looks/intellect/choices. Here is a picture of me posing/a long diatribe no one will read/justification for why I did something. Also to hide this I have included a self deprecating remark to disparage myself, please reply with a comment to make me feel good about myself.
Once that’s done I will continue to insist you’re wrong in a thinly veiled attempt to tease out more compliments from you. It is never enough for me and I require constant and unrelenting acknowledgment of the value of my intellect/beauty/beliefs/lifestyle.
I will never stop posting because you continue to feed my inherent insecurities with your comments. I am so paralysed by self doubt that I am now incapable of manifesting the will to overcome my own issues about body image/work/relationships. I am a monster that you created, I cannot be sated.
Part of you has already lost interest in my ceaseless quest to perfect the embodiment of narcism but my breasts/muscles/slim chance I’ll sleep with you prevent you from de friending me altogether. I’m exhausting and provide you with only casual amusement/orgasms/distraction.
Generic Facebook Post #2 – I am stupid let me prove it
I am outraged by an event that occurred recently. Here is my unsolicited opinion on this topic. Please click the like button to give my incoherent appeal to emotion validity. I demand you affirm my sense of entitled rage!
This faux indignation needs to be continuously fed by an endless series of blanket statements. I agree with anything that boils down complex social issues into a base and simplified manifestation of my own unsubstantiated beliefs.
If you dare ask me to justify my claims then I will refuse to answer and instead accuse you of being politically correct/dumb/the sole reason for the dissolution of western culture/like hitler but not really it’s just the only bad man I know.
Deep down I possess intense insecurities about myself and use anger as a way to escape. If you scroll through my history you will see an endless stream of memes espousing racism/falsities/ignorance and a terse comment from me in agreement. I parrot these verbatim as I can’t conjure an original thought to save myself.
This is probably due to the fact I haven’t read a book since primary school, which doesn’t matter to me as I think education is useless yet. Somehow though, I possess a chip on my shoulder about those that do since they think they are better than me. They are, but it isn’t because they have an education or read a book occasionally, its simply that I am a disgusting human being.
When people call me out on my bullshit I claim they have been brainwashed by the leftist Elites, when in reality if they asked I wouldn’t even be able to explain the concept without googling it.
I am ashamed of the poor choices I have made in my life and instead of attempting to better myself I utilise scapegoats wherever I can find them.
Generic Facebook Post #3 – I’m a racist but don’t you dare call me one!
Here’s a deliberately controversial statement I am sharing on social media. I have done no research or thought critically about it. I’m just reaffirming that I am incapable of rational thought. You probably want to reply and tell me why I am wrong but you know it’s a waste of your time and I wouldn’t listen.
Instead be satisfied that I am just another chilling reminder of everything that is wrong with modern conservatism. Loud, abrasive and when challenged, completely incapable of a cogent argument. I am more than happy to scream to any and all who will listen, but in the end it’s all just noise. I’ve invested so much energy in being heard I’ve completely forgotten what i was even yelling about.
I am terrified and confused by the world which makes me irrelevant. Like so many of my kind, I am mentally marooned on the wrong side of history. I am unwilling and unable to express my unfounded rage as I’m not adept enough at expressing myself. This is from a lifetime of stubborn refusal to challenge my core assumptions. This doesn’t prevent me from accusing others of being stupid though.
I am shockingly unaware of my own ignorance and therefore I am dangerous. If I am on your friends list remove me because I just want an echo chamber of like minded individuals to spread my hate.
Generic Facebook Post #4 – I’m a cliched left wing imbecile
Look at this article about how terrible our immigration laws/media/government is! I am simply aghast and disgusted how this institution has treated the homeless/lgbt/immigrant/person who should be allowed to identify as a Stegosaurus.
Despite my propensity to accuse others over their lack of compassion, I find that I don’t have the time to act on my moral outrage by doing something useful to effect change. I will defend the homeless and disadvantaged until I simply cannot breathe but I won’t actually spend two hours a week feeding them.
I will accuse the government of a litany of crimes against humanity but I won’t volunteer for a political party. I am simply letting you all know what a compassionate and good person I am. This conversely and without being explicitly stated means that you are not.
My hypocrisy is limitless but don’t ever accuse me of being insincere since I’m stuck in a system I didn’t create. It’s the fault of businesses/governments/economics that I am forced to be a slave!
I believe that every social issue can be resolved by hastily throwing money at it since I have little to no understanding of economic theory save for The Little Pocket Book Of Marx. Not that I really read it as I was pre occupied with coming up with the next flavour of the month minority group to defend.
Your pragmatic beliefs about immigration enrage me, so by my transient definition you are a racist. I truly believe that our borders should be open to anyone and everyone no matter what because I’m hopelessly naive and have very little exposure to a world outside the safety of my country. I’ve been to south east asia though where I lived like a fucking king and blithely took advantage of their subsistent lifestyles. I guess part of me wants to be rich, even if it means letting people feed off the scraps of my undeserved comparative wealth. I don’t see it as reinforcing the the cycle of poverty, it’s cultural exposure. Travel is important you see.
Regardless I am still so outraged and anything a conservative says is immediately wrong/unjust/malevolent. If they claimed that water was mandatory I would die of thirst simply from spite. In short I am a shitty person pretending to be good who will continue to rally against a system that my own hypocritical actions reinforce.
Generic Facebook Post #5 – My life is dull so I’m being coy
I can’t believe that thing happened. That thing was so awful I am horribly upset! Can you people believe it, even though you have no fucking idea what I’m talking about? All my Facebook posts are poor attempts at gaining people’s interest because I am so horrendously uninteresting. They simply pick up at the end of a story and offer no context at all save for the promise of drama ahead.
I see all these amazing events occurring around me and feel that I cannot participate. Obviously this means I need to concoct a series of posts that lay potential clues as what I am talking about.
At first you enjoyed playing detective and asked probing questions about my mysterious entries. You soon learned that after the big reveal you were always left disappointed since it was always a storm in a teacup.
I still try though, despite all of my friends refusing to engage me because I am an attention seeking child I never seem to get the hint. If you scroll through my history you will see how my curious fans slowly dwindled until my wall was like a private journal even the writer couldn’t stand anymore. Post after post with not a comment in sight, not even a cursory like. I disgust myself but I still do it because somehow I am convinced that the drama I manifest is actually real. Please comment? Please? At least click like?
Generic Facebook Post #6 – SPORT! SERIOUS BUSINESS!
SPORTS! I am disturbingly passionate about the team I have chosen which may or may not be the reason I hate or like you. It has such a profound effect on my happiness and wellbeing that when they lose I am utterly incensed. Politics, crime, economics, none of that shit is on my radar. It isn’t that I don’t have an opinion on them it is simply unknown to me. Who fucking cares who the PM is when my useless team are down 4 points in the last quarter. FUCK!
I can have a deep and complex opinion about statistics in relation to the game I like and will argue endlessly about it without taking a breath! So consumed by this fantasy reality I have created that I am utterly convinced it is THE most important thing in the world. God thirty seconds left and they are still behind! Fuck, fire the fucking coach!!!!!!!
Many people only get this irrationally angry about politics or religion but sports are the only thing that manifests this intense rage in me. If you don’t like sport we have nothing in common! SPORTS! SPPOOOOORTS!!!!!!!!!
<insert player name> is so terrible today I can’t fucking believe he/she has <insert random statistic>. Clearly this means their <random prior accomplishment> is undeserved!
Shit they lost! Our <desired end goal> hopes have been dashed and now I am pretty much suicidal.
Why does my feckless analysis and non participatory spectating have no effect on the outcome! God why am I acting like I am the one playing and not a pure observer!!!!
Fuck, I’m going to break something because I can’t fathom this obvious fact!
Generic Facebook Post #7 – Disappointed idealist turned cynical dickhead
People are so disappointing! Here is an example of a situation where humanity has failed to live up to my former idealistic expectations and is now fuel for my cynical world view. I used to believe that people were inherently good but after existing in the world for so long this naive belief has been repeatedly falsified and now reinforces my sense of despondent hopelessness.
I share stories/images/memes the absolute worst humanity is capable of and focus solely on these events. Everything is shit and anyone who believes otherwise is just an ignorant fool who isn’t smart enough to see the truth.
Even though my day to day existence free from tyranny/oppression/danger provides ample evidence that what I believe isn’t true I refuse to see this as contrary evidence to my dire perspective on humanity. Don’t accuse me of pessimism though since I’ll just tell you I’m a realist! You’re just naive!
Part of you wants to rescue me from my own morbidity but I’m simply too far gone to believe anyone’s rational and even handed perspective. I need to come to this realisation myself but as long as I believe anyone who is happy is a fraud I simply won’t be able to.
I love to make concrete assertions about the nature of man and find comfort in the safety of my resulting depression. This circle of self reinforcement makes it literally impossible for me to find joy in anything and my circle of friends have slowly distanced themselves because I am such a fucking downer all the time.
When you finally do engage in me in conversation after I’ve posted yet another example of human depravity I will always find fault in whatever response you offer. Either it is shallow/ignorant or hypocritical and I can’t help myself from explaining why, even when you don’t want to hear it. I am the social equivalent of stepping in dog shit and ruining your day.
I consider myself intelligent, insightful and aware but I am simply a self involved armchair philosopher who HAS to have the last word in any debate. Your failure to respond to my stream of consciousness bullshit is what I use to validate my sense of superiority. You will never be able to win so you give up out of frustration.
Generic Facebook Post #8 – I am a mother, it’s all I talk about
I am a mother. This is literally the one thing I use to define myself as a person. Everything I say and do is interpreted through the lens of raising a child. I used to have opinions on a variety of topics but now I am so terrified of failing to live up to the unrealistic expectations of my toxic mothers group that I simply have to show you how hard I try to give the very best for my child.
My posts are simply a desperate plea for recognition over the impossible task that is before me. I post articles about breast feeding, child psychology and the day to day joy I find in motherhood. I only do this because I am literally driven to despair over the smallest failures I experience during my waking hours.
I have to present the perfect image of a happy home even though I hate my husband and wish he would just fucking help me with the most minor of tasks. I have my hands so fucking full all the time that even when he is present I’m simply too exhausted to start an argument about it.
I am paralysed by the expectations placed on me and the one group of people who should be able to sympathise with my plight, namely other mothers, are more judgmental and poisonous than their fictional portrayal in the media.
I am on the verge of a breakdown due to all of these external pressures and have no real escape. The things I used to enjoy to relieve stress I can no longer indulge in since I have to feed and constantly watch this small, helpless creature 24 hours a day. Please just tell me I am a good mum so I can make it to tomorrow without bursting into tears. Fuck this is hard and your insensitive passive aggressive “suggestions” on what I should do are not helping.
If this role had a wage I would be on a six figure salary. I would write more but this baby has been crying for four hours and nothing I have done is helping.